Have you ever sat at your desk of a morning, afternoon or even evening with a feeling in the pit of your stomach that you just don’t have what it takes today (or even this week or this month) to keep giving? That you’ve been persisting for just that little bit too long and you just don’t have much left in the tank?
I suspect there are many of us out there feeling this way and I’m here to tell you that a) it’s completely normal and b) to offer some small (tiny even!) steps that have helped me when I hit this kind of wall.
As professionals, and particularly so as leaders, it can sometimes feel as though the expectations of us are unattainably high – superhuman even. We are the ones that keep going, keep persevering, keep performing and keep the motivation high – we are not the ones who crumble, struggle, get frustrated or upset, or take our foot off the gas. We are the ones other people look to and we want them to see strength, stability and security.
But to struggle, to find the pressure a bit much, and to have those distinctly ‘meh’ days, is to be human. So how do we allow this humanity to prevail in action and deed as leaders, particularly during our more difficult days?
I think there are two main aspects to consider – internal (how we view ourselves as leaders) and external (how others view leadership). There is a lot of very positive noise out there nowadays about how aspects such vulnerability, authenticity, compassion and empathy should be considered strengths as humans and as leaders, and I couldn’t agree more. However, I still feel there is more ‘talking the talk’ than there is ‘walking the walk’ in this space and this gap implies there is still a difference between what we believe and what we live out.
The reason this is important to ‘leading on empty’ is because this gap (between belief and action) keeps the pressure on. Although we (and others around us) believe it’s okay to struggle, to find things hard and to feel like there’s little to nothing left to give, the actions of almost everyone around us (perhaps even including ourselves!) don’t back this up.
When was the last time someone posted on social media, included in a speech, or talked about in a podcast how hard it can be as a leader to stay motivated, to keep giving and trying, or to keep fighting back against defeat? It does happen in pockets (and hats off to these brave people!) but not nearly enough for the message to truly sink in for us (internally) and others around us (externally) that it is okay to struggle and that these things we revere in words (vulnerability, authenticity, compassion etc.), is also revered in action.
If, as leaders, we want to feel we have the space to be a bit ‘off’ or to have times where we really struggle without feeling judged, then we need to a) give ourselves the permission and really believe it is okay to feel this way and b) see that others around us also believe it to be okay too.
This isn’t as easy as it might sound. We are talking about changing long-held views, habits and attitudes – moving our internal perception and the external perception of leaders as these infallible, always steady and stable figures, to people who have ups and downs and struggles like everyone else. Challenging the idea that good leadership is about ‘keeping the ship steady’ at any cost even in the choppiest of waters and conditions, to recognising that sometimes the ship can’t be held steady because the environment is too much at that time (but eventually it will be brought back on course).
In writing about this, I want to lead by example by sharing something I find hugely scary to share for exactly the reasons I outline above re my own belief system and the belief system of others so often being geared towards celebrating success and strength and overlooking vulnerability and struggle.
For this last week or so, I’ve felt empty, frustrated and constantly fighting my internal dialogue. Outwardly, my life appears great and, in many respects, it absolutely is and I try never to lose sight of how lucky I am to have what I have. But it has been a tough year, particularly on the professional front.
The outward projection is one of a well-seasoned leader setting up her own business and succeeding and this is true to an extent. But two things can be true at the same time. The second reality is very different. I really suffered after finding myself made redundant at the end of last year from a leadership role I loved and had poured absolutely everything I had into (and was successful at!). I still find it a tough pill to swallow even now. I then found myself thrown into an insanely tough job market where the jobs I wanted were few and far between, and the ones I did apply for, I didn’t get sifted for (despite having what I know is a really strong CV).
So I set up my own business as the only way to keep me falling off a cliff in terms of my confidence, sense of contribution and my sense of self-worth. Work has always been a huge part of my identity – mostly because I have been lucky enough to do what I love - leadership. But making a business work on your own, in a highly competitive market where so much appears to be about who you know not what you know, has been a hard slog.
I am a highly competent, highly experienced leader but I struggle (even though it likely doesn’t seem as though I do). There I said it! There are weeks where I’m highly motivated and loving the creative freedom that comes with leading a business but there are always days and weeks where things feel incredibly tough and like an uphill battle. Does this make me less of a leader because of these challenges? I will let you decide your view on this.
The point here is that our professional lives and leadership careers are not linear – they are a combination of ups, downs and possibly even a few flatlines in there too. I would love to see the ‘downs’ and ‘flats’ normalised in the same way that the ‘ups’ are. Personally speaking, I find the leaders who are more open about their struggles much easier to connect and identify with.
So, I’ve touched here on how ‘normal’ leadership struggles should be because I think feeling like it’s okay to feel empty and depleted (rather than ashamed or ‘less than’) as a leader is half the battle. But let’s be honest, even if it’s normal to feel this way, it’s not a nice place to be and most of us want to find a way to come through it and back feeling energised and motivated. So, the second part of this blog is focused on small steps I’ve taken (or observed in others) that have helped to climb back out of the dip. Everyone is different though so I will caveat these with saying they may not work for you – you just have to find the small things that help for you and the way you are wired.
- Weave in some things to your day, week or month that you enjoy – this sounds obvious, but I’m regularly surprised by how often I forget this when I’m down there in a dip. A good example of this for me is writing. It may not be what’s needed or particularly pressing that week, but if I can rejig things a little to make some time for it, I know it’ll make me feel better about the other important things I must do. Other examples include reading, watching videos, taking a look through LinkedIn, going for a walk or swim to think. So, look at ways to rejig your diary to make room for aspects of your leadership that bring you joy.
- Find a way(s) to get what’s in your head, out of it – when things rattle around our own heads without any external or different perspectives, they often grow to become much worse than they are. Finding an outlet such as writing, speaking with friends/colleagues, coaching and mentoring or even posting on social media, can help to structure and process our thoughts as well as benefitting from some alternative viewpoints or some moral support.
- Find inspiration – whether it’s a person (I have quite a few people I always find inspiring to listen to or read about that give me perspective), a development opportunity, a new hobby, taking time out to appreciate nature or whatever it may be, it’s important to carve out some dedicated time (however small) to bring these things back to the fore.
- Allow some time to dwell – sometimes if we rush too quickly to get ourselves out of a dip or depletion point, we deprive ourselves of processing time and time just to ‘feel’. Rushing too quickly to make the feeling go away, means we diminish what our minds might be telling us which is often that a change (in some way) is needed. I sometimes like to sit with a cup of tea (or glass of wine depending on the time!) and look out of the window as I think about the things that have depleted my stores. Sometimes (but not always) these are the times when new thoughts or ideas come to me naturally but it’s also okay if they don’t – time to sit with how we feel is important.
- Find a way to open up and share – as I talked about earlier in this blog, those you lead or work alongside can be grateful of seeing the human side to you. Scary as it can feel. Of course though, this is heavily context dependent and will need to factor in other things that might be going on for people around you too. Emotional intelligence is key here – using it to know when and how to share but knowing that at some point it might be helpful to.
- Identify what might be the causes of your depletion – and if these are things you can find ways to minimise or avoid for a little while, it’s worth doing. That said, I’m well aware that many causes of our depletion are aspects of our role or lives that are unavoidable. A good example in professional worlds is politics and the standards and expectations bestowed on us from those in power, some of which we may feel are wrong and all of which add extra pressure to already very busy, high responsibility roles. In instances like this, pivoting where you focus can be helpful. It’s not to say you can ignore or completely move away from such things but reducing the focus in terms of a proportion of your time can help.
- Reflect on how often the dips are happening – if they are regular or semi-regular, it may be an indicator that a more significant change is needed. Whilst dips, feelings of depletion and running on empty are a normal part of leadership, if these become too regular it can take a significant toll on your health and wellbeing. So keep an eye on regularity and if you find the dips are happening often, it’s definitely worth talking with someone about it to see how you can get the balance back.
There are many more things that can help (too many to list here) but the main point for this blog is to reinforce that a) feeling you have reached your limit or that you’re running on empty is a normal feeling for most of us and b) a large proportion of the time, there are things you can do to help in refilling the cup back up again.
Leaders cannot and should not be superhuman – we rise and fall in the same way everyone does. The more we can talk about the tough times, lead by example and recognise the importance of experiencing (and finding a way through) challenges as leaders, I really do feel the more inclusive, understanding and human we become as a society.
If you are looking for a specialist with in-depth experience and insights to work alongside you as you navigate change, challenge and transformation, please visit my website at: www.elevatingleadership.co.uk or get in touch at alice@elevatingleadership.co.uk
